weekend pleasures

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Growing Pains

It’s been a while. I know. I guess I disappeared because I didn’t have the words to express how unbalanced I felt these past weeks. I started a new job, and so I got caught up in all the stress from typical new beginnings. Feeling insecure, wanting to fit in, and demanding to prove- mostly to myself -that I am worth it! I didn’t have the time or the energy in me, though emotionally I felt I really needed to unwind. Thinking it through or writing it out on paper would’ve helped me move on faster, cross this road, overcome the fear, and release the hurting misconception I have of myself once and for all!

We tend to categorize ourselves, as self-doubts and thoughts define us. And, the mind always finds justifications to every conclusion it comes up with, no matter true of false. Then sometimes a preconception is a misconception to begin with. So relax. Let loose. You are just fine. It is only you, who is so hard on you.

I will assimilate this lesson learned. And even if I fall or fail, I know that I am still growing. Thank God.

Excited

Sorry

from personal diary - 10/11/06

I had this incident this weekend with someone I know, a friend, supposedly felt disappointed from something I did or didn’t do. She reacted in a bitter way and threw at me her critical judgmental attitude. It got to me, I have to admit. She threw it and I caught it.

For one, how can she want me down, because she completely succeeded? Secondly, how can she not know me by now? I never intend anything, I am misinterpreted, misunderstood.

Sometimes I feel that I have an affect on people, it may sound a bit self-centered, but it does have a bit of truth in it for everyone, it is our sense of self- awareness, I think. And those who are not fulfilled with their own energy and state of being, are easily swayed, for the better and for the worse. We humans range from those who submit their energy too often and are influenced by many different people, to those who are fully grounded, are filled with their own energy and who are rarely affected by energy pulls by other people, but most of us are in between.
Anyway, I believe I am a loving human being, wanting to give only good to people without hurtful intentions or a preplanned purpose to distress anyone. I try to flow with my life, and I make mistakes and I may hurt some people along the way, or disappoint them, dismiss them or disappear on them, but is it never intended, just an expression to my own life. But I still apologize for acting so. Actions are what have meaning. I am sincerely and lovingly sorry.

And so, there are those who may take me the wrong way, or judge my every word or may feel resentment toward me. And I am sorry for all that. But I wish and hope that there are those that take me for who I am, who love me unconditionally and know for certain that I mean no harm, I want only good in my life and to all those who surround me, no conflict, just joy.

I know at times I may be too blunt , honest and harsh and sometimes I need to escape into myself, but know that that it is ok too. I hear you. I understand you, do you understand me?

Tired, tired of ping-pong swaying energy, control dramas that I guess I get caught up in. I cannot let it have such an affect on me.

Like I said, she threw it, I caught it.

Tired. Good night.

Happy 31st Birthday!

from personal diary - 21.3.07

Well, like every other woman turning 30, I have been thinking about the idea since I let it enter my mind. The fears begin to lurk, pop-up to say hi once in a while behind your shoulder. Yes, so I have fears. But then again, I know fears just disable you, shut out the air and deny you wings. I know I will flourish, continue on. And along the way I will create a beautiful life. No fears. I think, I say, I do. I will create the life I see for myself.

Thank you God.

One Giant Leap - My Culture

"I'm the sum total of my ancestors I carry their DNA We are representatives of a long line of people And we carried them around everywhere This long line of people That goes back to the beginning of time And when we meet, they meet, other lines of people And we say bring together the lines of me.

When I look back over the years at the things that brought tears to my eyes papa said we have to be wise to live long lives now I recognise what my father said before he dies vocalise things I've left unsaid left my spirit unfed for too long I'm coming home to my family Where I can be strong Be who I planned to be Within me, my ancestry Givin' me continuity

(in full version) Would it be remiss to continue in this way would you rather I quit come with the other shit making people's hips sway lip service I pay but I'm nervous I pray for all the mothers who get no sleep like a lifeline I light lines cause my compassion is deep for the people who fashioned me, my soul to keep and this is who I happen to be and if I don't see that I'm strong then I won't be

This is what my Daddy told me I wished he would hold me A little more, than he did But he taught me, my culture And how to live positive I never wanna shame The blood in my veins and bring pain to my sweet grandfathers face, in his resting place I make haste to learn and not waste everything my forefathers earned in tears for my culture..."

1+1 = 2

I am the sum total of my emotions, thoughts, actions

My reality is my creation

I’m just thankful to be able to add :)

Inspirational Art

Faithless ft. Dido - One Step Too Far

My Life Force

I find I am loving again
For the life I came here to live
For the strength I have within

I find I am thankful too
For the inner awakening
For the progress of evolution

I find I am grateful always
For the guidance beyond time
For the moments revealed